A Small Step For Some

I am so incredibly proud of myself. I wasn’t completely sure it was possible but today (Friday) is a red-letter day, my friends. I’ve been working on my knee-jerk responses to irritating and stressful situations. I’ve been trying to be a kinder, more compassionate, person. I’m trying to think then act, not just react. It hasn’t been easy but today was the day.

We have a lot of new people starting at the facility I live at. I usually have issues with new people. They annoy me. They’re either ridiculously desperate for approval, complete b****es who think they know everything or they can’t understand the fact that I’m only physically handicapped, not mentally. It drives me crazy when people talk to me like I’m 4-years-old or when they try to do everything for me.

The girl who started today was no exception. She kept referring to me as she (instead of addressing me directly). She kept complimenting me, which sounds nice but can get old after the first dozen or so! “I like your room”, “I like your jeans”, “Your hair is so thick and pretty”, “Nice shirt”, “Oh that lip gloss is my favorite too!”

Normally I start getting an attitude after about two-minutes of this fake, patronizing butt-kissing. Today I thought to myself, “Starting a new job can be hard. She isn’t trying to annoy me; she is just nervous about making a good impression.” I didn’t even have to make a conscious decision to be patient, it was my knee-jerk reaction!

I’m not saying that it suddenly didn’t bug me; I was still annoyed. Today I was able to not act annoyed though! I know that might not seem like a big deal to some people. I’m sure some of you are thinking, “Big freaking deal, it’s called being an adult!” You’re partly right. It is called being an adult and as a 32-year-old woman it is probably something I should have learned how to do by now.

Well I hadn’t.

It was hard for me; I’m a semi-spoiled, sarcastic, know-it-all. I didn’t let that stop me though. I kept at it and I finally was able to think before I acted. I’m going to go ahead and be proud of myself, thank you very much.

Possession, Compassion, and Ego

Every so often I am confronted with circumstances that remind me how much I still need to overcome on my journey to be a better person. Modesty is not now, nor has it ever been, my strongest quality. It’s not even in my top ten!

It never ceases to amaze me how the universe always seems to provide us with what we need. It may not be who, what, when, where or how we want it to be but in the end, it’s what we need. Case in point, I’ve recently been the focus of an article in a local magazine and I’ve gotten some amazing feedback. People who had never even heard of me were saying these really kind things to me. Even though I know how fleeting those fifteen minutes can be, and even though I know it hasn’t been that long since the article came out, I was already losing sight of my goal. I’m predisposed to inflated ego issues so it does not take much. I was focusing on the moment, “I’m so awesome, look at everyone who thinks I’m awesome!” For the record, I am pretty awesome but I’m talking about my personal quest to be awesome-er!

Now, I don’t care what anyone says, I’m funny. I think I’m down right hilarious and if I have to sacrifice a little* tact or political correct-ness that’s okay by me!

*note that it says a little. I don’t do truly offensive but I think the world, at large, is too obsessed with all things PC!

Back to my reality check. I have a new neighbor and most of the time she’s this sweet older lady. Most of the time. The rest of the time I’m pretty sure she’s possessed. I know that most suspected cases of demonic possession are the result of mental illness. I know mental illness is no joking matter. I know this. So what do I do? I make some jokes! I mean, she’s growling and speaking in tongues here, how do I not make a crack about needing to get some holy water?

Does that make me bad? I think it’s one of the lighter shaded areas. Then there’s the snorting, panting and general heavy breathing. This woman is permanently congested. It’s bad! It’s sounds like she’s drowning all the time when she’s awake and when she sleeps it’s even worse! There is nothing in the world that grinds my gears more than having to hear someone mouth-breath. It’s not fair. She can’t help it. The logical part of me knows this but every time I hear her sawing logs, which is like eighteen hours a day by the way, I see red! I want to go smother her with a pillow! I don’t want to kill her, I’m not a psychopath, I just want quiet! Not that the distinction would matter much!

So I’m sitting here, thinking about holding a pillow over the face of a sick, elderly, mentally ill woman when it hits me; I sure have a lot of room to grow! If I only choose compassion when it comes easiest I’m not really making much of an effort, am I? So, needless to say, I’m still just a work in progress. I think trying makes me awesome but it doesn’t make me unique. Everybody has the ability to try, it just takes the will to actually do it!

Hard not HardER

The other night I watched a video of Ash Beckham and she got me thinking. She talks about the closet and how straight people have closets too; it just represents a hard conversation. Nobody can say, “Well my conversation is harder…” because it’s not relative. There is no harder; there’s just hard. This got me thinking because it’s true for more than just scary conversations.

Look at my life. It’s hard but can I really say it’s harder than, say, a single mom with hungry kids and no money for food? When I’m having a rough day it’s hard on me. I don’t have to watch the people I care about suffer. Sure, she’s able to do more, physically, but I’m not struggling to provide for my children. I don’t watch them suffer knowing that providing for them is my responsibility. Can you say which is harder?  I can say they’re both hard but to compare and quantify them? I’ve only experienced one.

Amazingly, the very next night, I had an incident with one of the third shift staff members. I tried saying something and she wasn’t understanding. She got impatient when she thought I was getting mad. She told me I was rude and that I needed to put myself in her shoes because she can’t always figure out what I say! Right off the bat I want to clarify, I’m not rude by nature. I can, however, be rude and third shift rarely gets to see me at my best! That being said, this time it was her misinterpreting my voice tone and volume. Two things that I have limited control over at the best times and 4:00am isn’t one of those.

What really got me was the Put yourself in my shoes comment. My first thought was:

Excuse me?! Maybe YOU need to put yourself in MY shoes before you start calling people names!

I couldn’t even yell this at her. It’s not like she’d understand! I mean, that’s what started this in the first place! So we got through it and she left. I was fuming. Fuming! How dare she!

As I laid there, awake, mentally composing the email I was going to write her boss, I remembered something I had heard. This girl had recently, like a week and a half before this, lost her brother after a long illness. I’m not sure she got the reason right but she was correct when she said I needed to put myself in her shoes. Needless to say, the tone of that mental email changed, drastically. As my blood pressure dropped I was even able to fall back asleep! That was really great because it’s not like laying awake, and mad, was going to accomplish anything anyway!

A little compassion goes a long way. Since this incident, I’ve noticed that my nights have been much more pleasant. This rolls into much more pleasant days because I’m more pleasant with a good night’s sleep. Dumb little “duh” moments that would have irritated me are making me laugh. I’m nicer; it’s easier for people to be nice to me. One small instance of taking a deep breath and trying compassion instead of anger or impatience, and my life is 20x better!

All we, as a society, need to do is realize life isn’t a competition. It’s not about who has a better life; it’s not about who has it easier or harder. It’s about living. Being alive and happy. It’s about recognizing the fact that someone else’s happiness isn’t going to detract from how happy each of us is, or can be. There isn’t a universal “happiness cap”! Each and every person, in the world, has battles to fight. Internal, external, whatever. We need to accept that, unquestioningly and automatically. We need to start operating on the assumption that everybody deserves kindness and compassion. I know, there are people who are going to take advantage of that but look at the alternative. Assuming that no one does? Who does that hurt? Really? It’s like me laying awake all night to show them how mad they made me!

Everybody has their own trials and ordeals. Outside judgement, opinions or input is not needed. I don’t need you to understand what I’m going through; I accept that not many ever truly will. I just need a little compassion. In return, I can offer to return the favor. That’s all but imagine that world! Where compassion is given, equally, by all.
It’s worth trying for, at least.

Hitler reincarnated?

Okay. So I’ll admit I’m probably a little extra irritable. Being woken up by the resident ass hole’s yelling at 5am does that. Seriously though, do you really need people (not one person, multiple people) to wake up and complain before you think, “gee, maybe I should shut his door before he wakes everybody up!” I know it’s brain damage. I know everybody says its not his fault. But he sounds pretty damn coherent! He says whole words, in complete sentences. When he doesn’t get his way he yells, shouts and swears; with no regard for who he’s disturbing! No matter how hard I try to be compassionate, and I do try, I can’t help but feel like this is just the physical manifestation of a piss poor attitude!

I mean, there is a girl here who really isn’t aware of what she’s doing, but she screams. She doesn’t yell obscenities. I’ll be the first to tell ya how annoying she is. That’s different; I don’t want to smother her with a pillow! Him, on the other hand…

Then there is the big fat man across the hall. He expects to be waited on, instantly; because his needs are so much more important then anybody else’s. If the staff does not instantly drop whatever they’re doing to assist him; he starts with the yelling and name calling! I mean, he doesn’t even try! The other day, he spilled his water and started shouting for someone to clean it up. One of the aides said, “we’re all busy this second, but here’s a towel so you can start cleaning it up and I’ll be in, in a minute to finish.” His response was, ” umm, no.” All snotty. Like he doesn’t recognize the difference between CNA and personal maid!

I can’t help but think, why am I the one who can’t move right? This rude, lazy bastard has all the advantages of a fully functioning body and chooses to have people wait on him, hand and foot! Then he treats people poorly because he’s unhappy with a life he basically decided on! I’ll be the first to admit, I’m not always a ray of sunshine but he makes my bad days seem like a walk in the park!

And the smell! It’s like raw sewage out there! Between the crap and the fat person body odor, it’s every thing I can do to keep my up chuck reflex under control! I bought one plugin, one gel deodorizer thing and two sprays; I can still smell when the 600lb woman I share a bathroom with takes a shit! It’s Toxic!

I swear, I must have been Hitler in my previous life! It’s the only thing I can think of that’s so awful it deserves this! And I am going to get better; I am going to live a better life. All I’m saying is, this really blows!