Back and Better Than Ever

Hi everybody

Watching TV and Adrian snapped this one

It’s me. Sorry that it’s been so long. I guess that the amazing response I got to the article just really overwhelmed me. The pressure to be entertaining or insightful, even if it was pressure I put on myself, was something I wasn’t prepared for.

Any way. A lot has changed, I’m no longer living in a CBRF, I moved in with Art and his family about three years ago. It’s not always easy, there’s personalities that conflict, but we’re learning how to cope. They were just blessed with their second child and I guess new babies make me feel like writing. The urge to create or something.

A lot has changed on the inside too. I no longer feel Stuck Inside Myself, I don’t feel as limited by my restrictions. When I started this blog, I was struggling to fit the person I was into the life I had. I wasn’t aware of it but as I look back it seems pretty obvious. I’m not angry anymore. I’ve come to terms with my new life and there’s this peace that comes from letting life be what it is. Before my stroke I never felt free to fully be myself, there was always the fear of judgment and the drive of expectations. Now, after seven years of adjusting, I’m finally in a place, emotionally, where I was able to recognize the pointlessness of pretending. I don’t laugh at jokes that aren’t funny, I don’t stay silent for the sake of preserving the silence and I won’t start shouting just to be part of the crowd. I love what I love and I love it with out shame or fear of rejection because if your reaction to my joy is to reject me… I’m better off on my own.

Anyway, I’m going to start a new blog. It’s going to be me as I am now and my ideas to make the world better. Not that I think I have the answer but I have a lot of thinking time and it’s certainly led to some creative possibilities. The goal is to have it up and running within the week.

2014 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog. The coolest part was seeing that I had viewers from all over the world. I never really thought about it before!

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,600 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 27 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

A Small Step For Some

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I am so incredibly proud of myself. I wasn’t completely sure it was possible but today (Friday) is a red-letter day, my friends. I’ve been working on my knee-jerk responses to irritating and stressful situations. I’ve been trying to be a kinder, more compassionate, person. I’m trying to think then act, not just react. It hasn’t been easy but today was the day.

We have a lot of new people starting at the facility I live at. I usually have issues with new people. They annoy me. They’re either ridiculously desperate for approval, complete b****es who think they know everything or they can’t understand the fact that I’m only physically handicapped, not mentally. It drives me crazy when people talk to me like I’m 4-years-old or when they try to do everything for me.

The girl who started today was no exception. She kept referring to me as she (instead of addressing me directly). She kept complimenting me, which sounds nice but can get old after the first dozen or so! “I like your room”, “I like your jeans”, “Your hair is so thick and pretty”, “Nice shirt”, “Oh that lip gloss is my favorite too!”

Normally I start getting an attitude after about two-minutes of this fake, patronizing butt-kissing. Today I thought to myself, “Starting a new job can be hard. She isn’t trying to annoy me; she is just nervous about making a good impression.” I didn’t even have to make a conscious decision to be patient, it was my knee-jerk reaction!

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I’m not saying that it suddenly didn’t bug me; I was still annoyed. Today I was able to not act annoyed though! I know that might not seem like a big deal to some people. I’m sure some of you are thinking, “Big freaking deal, it’s called being an adult!” You’re partly right. It is called being an adult and as a 32-year-old woman it is probably something I should have learned how to do by now.

Well I hadn’t.

It was hard for me; I’m a semi-spoiled, sarcastic, know-it-all. I didn’t let that stop me though. I kept at it and I finally was able to think before I acted. I’m going to go ahead and be proud of myself, thank you very much.

Momentous Moments

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Watching as a child discovers the world is the most amazing experience I’ve ever had. I mean, I’ve been around babies before but there was always some part of me that was distracted. Thoughts of, “Is that safe”, or, “Is that normal”, or, “What am I going to do for dinner”, kept me from ever fully living in the moment. I never really noticed before the way these tiny people actually become tiny people; as they discover their world. I find myself watching a lot more these days. I’ve seen the way little AD’s face lights up when he starts to understand the way a toy works, the joy and the wonder. There’s this sense of pride in the way he looks up to find an adult to share his discovery with that is so raw! Maybe all parents experience this; I’m not a parent so I can’t say. All I know is that it blows my mind.

Is it crazy to attribute baby behavior to adult emotion? I’m not sure. I don’t know how many of AD’s quirks exist only in my head. Does he really care what kind of music is playing or is he happy as long as it’s music? Could he be just reacting to the way I react to my favorite songs? Does he really eat better when someone eats with him or have I convinced myself that he does in order to feel like I’m helping?

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I’m uncertain of these things. I am certain that being able to completely focus on these moments, as they happen, is the silver lining of my stroke. I wasn’t even aware that I wasn’t aware! I missed so much and even though a certain amount of preoccupation is good when you’re supposed to be the responsible adult I can’t believe I missed these amazing details of the babies in my past! It makes me sad to think I gave them less than 100%.

I’d make a crappy husband… And other random wanderings of an unfettered mind!

Stuck Inside Myself

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So maybe it’s because I am a bossy, naggy woman (for the record: I’ll admit to bossy, but I really don’t think I nag) but I really can’t stand them! I don’t say things just for fun and just because you don’t like what I say doesn’t mean you get to keep bugging me until I change my mind! I know that’s an unfair stereotype, the nagging wife, but I’ve yet to meet a naggy man. Maybe I have unresolved mommy issues. Who knows?

Before my stroke I could just remove myself from a situation with an annoying, naggy person; or punch someone in the face if it was that kind of day. Now I’ll admit to a sense of helplessness because I can’t anymore, that bothers me. So I’m probably a bit more sensitive then I used to be because I feel like these women are taking the…

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Morals, and Children and Guns! Oh my!

Feeling lazy this week, so here’s one of my first posts. An oldie but a goodie!

Stuck Inside Myself

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The following is the introduction to the Wizard of Oz,

Folklore, legends, myths and fairy tales have followed childhood through the ages, for every healthy youngster has a wholesome and instinctive love for stories fantastic, marvelous and manifestly unreal. The winged fairies of Grimm and Andersen have brought more happiness to childish hearts than all other human creations.

Yet the old-time fairy tale, having served for generations, may now be classed as “historical” in the children’s library; for the time has come for a series of newer “wonder tales” in which the stereotyped genie, dwarf and fairy are eliminated, together with all the horrible and blood-curdling incidents devised by their authors to point a fearsome moral to each tale. Modern education includes morality; therefore the modern child seeks only entertainment in its wonder tales and gladly dispenses with all disagreeable incident.

Having this thought in mind, the story of “The…

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Possession, Compassion, and Ego

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Every so often I am confronted with circumstances that remind me how much I still need to overcome on my journey to be a better person. Modesty is not now, nor has it ever been, my strongest quality. It’s not even in my top ten!

It never ceases to amaze me how the universe always seems to provide us with what we need. It may not be who, what, when, where or how we want it to be but in the end, it’s what we need. Case in point, I’ve recently been the focus of an article in a local magazine and I’ve gotten some amazing feedback. People who had never even heard of me were saying these really kind things to me. Even though I know how fleeting those fifteen minutes can be, and even though I know it hasn’t been that long since the article came out, I was already losing sight of my goal. I’m predisposed to inflated ego issues so it does not take much. I was focusing on the moment, “I’m so awesome, look at everyone who thinks I’m awesome!” For the record, I am pretty awesome but I’m talking about my personal quest to be awesome-er!

Now, I don’t care what anyone says, I’m funny. I think I’m down right hilarious and if I have to sacrifice a little* tact or political correct-ness that’s okay by me!

*note that it says a little. I don’t do truly offensive but I think the world, at large, is too obsessed with all things PC!

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Back to my reality check. I have a new neighbor and most of the time she’s this sweet older lady. Most of the time. The rest of the time I’m pretty sure she’s possessed. I know that most suspected cases of demonic possession are the result of mental illness. I know mental illness is no joking matter. I know this. So what do I do? I make some jokes! I mean, she’s growling and speaking in tongues here, how do I not make a crack about needing to get some holy water?

Does that make me bad? I think it’s one of the lighter shaded areas. Then there’s the snorting, panting and general heavy breathing. This woman is permanently congested. It’s bad! It’s sounds like she’s drowning all the time when she’s awake and when she sleeps it’s even worse! There is nothing in the world that grinds my gears more than having to hear someone mouth-breath. It’s not fair. She can’t help it. The logical part of me knows this but every time I hear her sawing logs, which is like eighteen hours a day by the way, I see red! I want to go smother her with a pillow! I don’t want to kill her, I’m not a psychopath, I just want quiet! Not that the distinction would matter much!

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So I’m sitting here, thinking about holding a pillow over the face of a sick, elderly, mentally ill woman when it hits me; I sure have a lot of room to grow! If I only choose compassion when it comes easiest I’m not really making much of an effort, am I? So, needless to say, I’m still just a work in progress. I think trying makes me awesome but it doesn’t make me unique. Everybody has the ability to try, it just takes the will to actually do it!

http://www.she-magazine.com/main/she2a.php

I’m almost famous!

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Bureaucracies, Plague, and a little bit of Fame

There’s been an outbreak of the plague where I live.

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Well, maybe plague is a bit of an exaggeration, only a bit though.

So, that’s where I was last week. I was sick. I’m not talking just stuffy and achy; I’m talking Night of the Living Dead!

I’m feeling better this week though. This week has just been filled with drama, oh so much drama! The most noteworthy of which is my ongoing Social Security-Community Care nightmare. The following is what I sent to various state politicians, media outlets and DHS big-wigs yesterday:

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To whom it may concern:

My name is Cassandra Davis. I’m a 32-year-old, partial quadriplegic and I’m currently enrolled in Community Care through Walworth County’s DHS. The following is a series of emails exchanged between me (Cassandra Davis) and my Community Care case worker (Faith Harrington) when I got mad after being informed that I had been assigned a representative payee, for the second time, because I am physically unable to write checks. I handle all other transactions just fine through my government provided, online, banking institution debit card. The only way they (WI state) will let me pay electronically is if I set up automatic withdrawal.

I refuse to and let me explain why:

1. I have been over-charged multiple times. I have reported it, to Ms. Harrington, and I have been told I was mistaken regarding the amount of SSD I received ($750)… for that month only. The months before, and after, were $750 but that month I was billed for the entire $750 because I had supposedly gotten more that month, for no particular reason.
A. The last direct deposit into my account was $671. If I were to allow them to withdraw first and ask questions later I’d be completely broke to the point of being over drawn. I wouldn’t even have the $100 monthly allowance they expect me to survive on.

2. I don’t need or want the food they provide here. It is basically school cafeteria food, for every meal. I had a stroke, I wasn’t sentenced to jail, nobody should be forced to eat this slop. So I have provided my own food. That hasn’t stopped them from charging me though.

3. During my last Medicaid review I was told that they couldn’t count the whole $750 as “rent” because it’s Room and Board only $550 of it is “rent” so I told Ms. Harrington I’d be paying $550 and buying my own food. She agreed but it never reflected in my bill. Direct withdrawal would just take the amount they charged.

On Sep 16, 2013, at 10:35 AM, “Harrington, Faith” wrote:

Hi Cassandra,
I wanted to take this opportunity to touch base with you regarding the on-going issue with your past due R&B bill. You had agreed to make a payment by 6/15/13 and to this date we still have not received any payment from you. We have reached a point where it seems that rep payee services are going to be the way to proceed from this point on. However, we would like to first give you the opportunity to continue to be independent with managing your finances. You have indicated that you would be willing to pay $550/mo towards your R&B. We need you to pay $3,025 by 9/30/13. This is the amount accumulated at $550/mo for the past 6 months (month of Feb is prorated as you moved in on 2/15). This doesn’t include the current payment due for month of Sept.
Thanks,
Faith

This states that they want to give me the opportunity to retain control of my finances yet they know that direct withdrawal will take $4,098.00 ($683.00×6) not $3,025.00 ($550.00×6) like they say they need. Ms. Harrington is aware, at this point, that I need to pay electronically, which is only available through direct withdrawal. So I wasn’t really given much of a choice, pay for food service you don’t need or want or we’re (Community Care) taking away your right to independently manage your finances.

4. The fact that regular businesses, let alone government agencies, are required to abide by the terms of The Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA):

Section 255 and Section 251(a)(2) of the Communications Act of 1934, as amended by the Telecommunications Act of 1996, require manufacturers of telecommunications equipment and providers of telecommunications services to ensure that such equipment and services are accessible to and usable by persons with disabilities, if readily achievable.

Or ADA Title II: Title II covers all activities of State and local governments regardless of the government entity’s size or receipt of Federal funding. Title II requires that State and local governments give people with disabilities an equal opportunity to benefit from all of their programs, services, and activities (e.g. public education, employment, transportation, recreation, health care, social services, courts, voting, and town meetings).

State and local governments are required to follow specific architectural standards in the new construction and alteration of their buildings. They also must relocate programs or otherwise provide access in inaccessible older buildings, and communicate effectively with people who have hearing, vision, or speech disabilities. Public entities are not required to take actions that would result in undue financial and administrative burdens. They are required to make reasonable modifications to policies, practices, and procedures where necessary to avoid discrimination, unless they can demonstrate that doing so would fundamentally alter the nature of the service, program, or activity being provided.

Or ADA Title III: Public accommodations must comply with basic nondiscrimination requirements that prohibit exclusion, segregation, and unequal treatment. They also must comply with specific requirements related to architectural standards for new and altered buildings; reasonable modifications to policies, practices, and procedures; effective communication with people with hearing, vision, or speech disabilities; and other access requirements. Additionally, public accommodations must remove barriers in existing buildings where it is easy to do so without much difficulty or expense, given the public accommodation’s resources.

**At this juncture, I want to point out that we are living in an age where the average business owner can accept CC payment with their smart phone. I just set up an online store that accepts all major CC and PayPal for a friend. Expecting our government to have this technology, especially the department setup exclusively for people with disabilities, is more than reasonable!

5. I recently received a letter informing me that all Social Security benefits are now required, by law, to be paid electronically!
I want to use my benefits to pay electronically, but that’s not allowed?

So, this has been going on for over a year. Community Care even had a psychiatrist declare me incompetent, without even evaluating me, so they could file the paperwork to have a rep payee appointed. I fought it, with the help of Cathy S. from Disability Rights of Wisconsin, and won. At which point I stated that I was still going to need to be able to make monthly CC payments.

Two months later and still nothing had changed. Instead of updating their 1990 system Community Care filed for a representative payee again. I fought it, again, and had it reversed, again. Now the S.S. office people are telling me they won’t help me avoid paying my bills, because they think that’s what I’m doing, if Community Care files again. Community Care STILL won’t let me pay monthly though. Well, this is what happened. The inciting incident is me learning of the second Rep Payee attempt:

From: Cassandra Davis
Sent: Wednesday, August 27, 2014 11:36 AM
To: Cathy Steffke
Cc: Michael Durben; Harrington, Faith; Lundgren, Irene
Subject: Rep Payee AGAIN

What the hell is going on? ALL I need is a form that allows me to pay MONTHLY. Don’t I have the right not to give the government free access to my account? I can’t write checks. Money orders cost money. So they are taking away my ability to manage my life?

What they are saying is basically, pay a fee for being unable to write checks or forfeit control of your finances.

I’m contacting the media. This is ridiculous.
Cassandra

On Aug 27, 2014, at 4:26 PM, “Harrington, Faith” wrote:

Hi Cassandra,
Can you please clarify what form you are referring to. Last year I provided you with a form that would let you pay your bill through autowithraw (debit) from your account, and you refused to sign this. As I explained at that time, it wouldn’t allow us free access to your account, as only the amount indicated on the form could be withdrawn.
Please explain what form you are referencing so we can see if this is an option, and discuss further.
Thanks,
Faith

From: Cassandra Davis
Date: August 28, 2014 at 4:11:08 PM CDT
To: “Harrington, Faith”
Cc: Cathy Steffke, Michael Durben, “Lundgren, Irene”, “Davis, Terresa”
Subject: Re: Rep Payee AGAIN

I’m re-reading this, you’re claiming that you “explained at the time” that only the amount on the form would be withdrawn. So your claim is that I’m the one who misunderstood, but not once, in the DOZENS of emails regarding this EXACT situation, that we exchanged did you think to say anything? See, I’ve HAD bills on direct withdrawal before, back when I had my own place, and they’d take the amount of the bill, whether it was $5 or $50, DIRECTLY from my account, automatically, every month! I have this last staff meeting recorded and when I tell you I’m not signing because I’m not okay with not having a say when funds withdrawn from my account you tell me you’ll talk to accounting but you doubt they’ll change it.

It doesn’t matter, email me this form, give me back my SSD checks (bye-bye Mr. D) and everything will be okay. You’ll get your payment. You know, as soon as money starts going into my account.

On Sep 10, 2014, at 3:39 PM, Cassandra Davis wrote:

Okay. Now I’m getting pissed.

1) you assign me a rep payee with a court order obtained with on an incorrect evaluation of my mental state, based the opinion of a biased psychologist from a non-existent appointment. You bill me for this so-called appointment a year after it allegedly occurred. This was, coincidently, weeks after I went to the SS office and got the decision repealed. I did this, in part, with a report submitted by a woman from Disability Rights of Wisconsin finding me rational, able, and competent.

2) I received an email from you (Faith Harrington) claiming that this whole nightmare has been basically just a big misunderstanding. Claiming that Direct Withdrawal won’t give Community Care free access to withdraw the monthly charges without me being able to verify the charges are correct until after the money is withdrawn. This might be bull but, regardless of how irritated I am, I say, “Whatever, if that’s the case, email me the paperwork.”

3) I even sent the form I’ve used to make payments by CC to Lakeview, twice, trying to clear this up. Your whole thing has been that you think I just don’t want to pay. I keep doing everything you ask, trying to find a solution I can live with, and I’m still the bad guy.

4) I don’t hear anything back for over two weeks. Today I receive a check from a rep payee. I’m curious as to how in the hell you managed to get another court order because obviously the evaluation from Dr. Semen was found to be inaccurate. You should have ordered another one, from a Dr. who hadn’t made his mind up before hand.

So the way I see this is either you used falsified documents or you didn’t bother getting one. I believe it’s illegal to cash someone’s SS checks without a court order. I want a copy of the new assessment, if it exists. I want you, not me YOU, to fix this before 10/3/14, or I’m pressing charges. You have no reason to do what you are doing; more importantly, you have no right. I’ll also be following up with the media. After our last communication, Faith, I believed we were on the path to having this resolved so I chose not to pursue that course of action. I see now that was a mistake.

At the bottom of this email you will all see the previous email correspondence between Faith and I. It is my proof.

I want to make sure to point out the dates: August 27, August 27, August 28, no response, September 10! The saga continues:

On Sep 11, 2014, at 12:27 PM, “Harrington, Faith” wrote:

Hi Cassandra,
I’m sorry that you are upset. I want to address your below concerns. First, I want to clarify that we didn’t bill you for the appt with the psychologist (Dr. Semen). If you received a bill, please forward to me so I can take a look at it.

In regards to the Room&Board bill, you were given several options of how to pay your bill. There hadn’t been any payments received from you since you enrolled in Family Care (August 3, 2012). Last year, myself, as well as your case worker at the time (Kelly) offered to help facilitate a method of payment from one of the options available. After numerous attempts to get you to pay your bill, to no avail, we finally pursued the rep payee in Nov. 2013; and Mike Durben (MD Advocacy) was awarded rep payee which started in Jan. 2014.

You went to the Kenosha office a few months ago and applied to be payee for self again, which was awarded and you started to receive your monthly SS income in July. There was no payment made towards your Room & Board again, for the months of July or August.

The application for rep payee was resubmitted with the information we had. There haven’t been any falsified documents. Nothing illegal has been committed. The Social Security Administration awarded MD Advocacy (Mike Durben) rep payeeship which gives him the legal right to deposit your SS money into an account set up in your name.

Cassandra, you agreed to pay your R&B when you signed the Room&Board agreement form (which I have attached to this email). Your were given the same options to pay this, that all of our other member’s are given. It was your responsibility to make these payments and you neglected to do so. Also, we are trying to protect your eligibility in the program. By not paying your Room& Board bill, you put yourself at risk of becoming over asset and no longer eligible for the Family Care Program.

Thanks,
Faith

On Sep 11, 2014, at 1:29 PM, Cassandra Davis wrote:

Faith-you are so full of sh*t. What happened a year ago doesn’t matter. The fact that Two Weeks ago I received an email, FROM YOU, stating that Direct Withdrawal WILL NOT give anybody free access to my account, that I’ll be able to specify an amount. That is the only thing I’ve wanted FROM the beginning. I then asked you to send me the paperwork, which you STILL haven’t done.

I have done everything short of getting on my knees and BEGGING you to take my money, I CAN NOT make a payment because YOU Never sent me the forms.

There isn’t any attachment but I have an audio recording of me Refusing to sign anything until this was sorted out because I KNEW you’d try this. So I’m interested in this R&B agreement, it must be from before 2/14/2013 and since then I’ve refused to sign, twice at least.

Protect my eligibility? Oh I’m SO glad this is in writing. You realize you haven’t sent this paperwork that I NEED but you’re having NO PROBLEM handling the Rep Payee paperwork. So you have literally made it IMPOSSIBLE for me to pay but you’re citing nonpayment as an excuse to put me on an ALLOWANCE of $100 a month to PROTECT me!

Now I’d think that the fact that I Was able to reclaim control of my finances by contesting the findings of Dr. Semen, those findings would be no longer valid. I STILL demand a copy of that court order, this is my second request, I have the legal RIGHT to see it. I also want the documents you provided to SS. Keep denying me, see how well THAT goes, though.

The bill I got from Dr. Semen will be sent along ASAP.
Cassandra

On Sep 23, 2014, at 1:22 PM, Cassandra Davis wrote:

In a previous email you stated I could set withdrawn amount. I’ve asked twice for those forms but to simplify we’re gonna call this my first request. Please email me the forms.
Cassandra

On Sep 24, 2014, at 11:28 AM, Cassandra Davis wrote:

Request number two.
Payment forms. Email them. Now.

On Sep 25, 2014, at 1:42 PM, Cassandra Davis wrote:

Not only have I not received any forms, I haven’t even gotten a reply, of any sort, to the previous two emails. If you want me to pay, send the forms!

Again, notice the dates: September 11, September 11, no response, September 23, no response, September 24, no response, September 25!

From: Harrington, Faith
Sent: Thursday, September 25, 2014 4:30 PM
To: Cassandra Davis
Cc: Cathy Steffke; Lundgren, Irene
Subject: form

Hi Cassandra,
I have been out of the office much of the past couple days and apologize for not sending this sooner. Here is the form you are requesting. It is the same form that was provided to you last year.
However, since your rep payee is paying your R&B bill, it doesn’t really apply at this time. If you need anything else, please let me know.

Thanks,
Faith

The form she attached has a distinct lack of anywhere you can specify the amount to be withdrawn.

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I’m at my wit’s end. The only thing I can think to do is make this a detailed summary of the events, to date. It is now September 29, 2014. I’m first going to be emailing this to Faith Harrington and Irene Lundgren. If I fail to receive a timely response resolving this issue, I’ll proceed to email every legislator, every news channel and every Community Care authority figure in or affiliated with the SE-WI area. They supposedly gave me a chance to retain my independence. I’m willing to actually give them a chance to resolve the situation before taking this ridiculous-ness public.

Thank you in Advance for Your Time,
Cassandra Davis
4:29pm, September 29, 2014

 

 

So, that’s been fun. Toss in some family issues, on top of illness, and you have my week. That’s why I’m a little late getting this out but hey, I did it!

Oh, I almost forgot… There’s an article about me in She Magazine! I’ll post the link. I’m feeling pretty rad, let me tell ya!

Better Late than Never

So, today is Thursday. That means yesterday was Wednesday. I spent the entire day yesterday thinking it was Tuesday! Yup. The whole day. Wow. So we’re just going to pretend it’s still Wednesday.

D'oh

This week is different because instead of being stuck with nothing to write about, I actually have more than a few thoughts I’d like to explore. I guess it figures that this would be the week I almost missed!

In my own defense, my days kind of blend together in a haze of monotonous routine and what isn’t routine has required 100% of my attention. I volunteered to help AD set up online so he’ll be able to more efficiently sell and promote his artwork, he’s a lamp-work glass-blower. Originally I was thinking, “How hard can it be?” Turns out, it’s harder than I thought but anyone who knows anything about me knows that I’ll do just about anything to avoid having to admit that I can’t or I don’t know how. That includes learning how.

Knowledge is discovering something new so you can be better at whatever you do

Suddenly so much of my life makes sense now! Maybe the fear of not having all the answers all the time, the fear of never being enough, is so deeply ingrained in me that my mind trained itself from a young age to remember the facts, no matter how trivial, I see, read, or hear. Maybe that insecurity is the root of my intelligence. Interesting thought.

I digress, as I was saying, instead of saying, “I’m way over my head with this website stuff.” I taught myself how; it’s not like I’m too busy these days anyway. I have to say, as much as I enjoy the act of learning, and I really do; the best part of the whole experience was how it felt to be useful again! That’s not the tired, old, pity party line, “I’m so useless!” That’s just honesty, I don’t do a lot with my time.  Blogging, poker, Sudoku, that’s 90% of my week right there; no wonder I’m feeling so incomplete.

Knowledge + Action = Power

I’ve said before that I think accomplishments are an important part of our individual happiness equations so I’m not sure why I thought playing online was going to be enough for me, long-term. I’m sure a part of me was rebelling against how I spent my life the way society told me to, at school and then at work. I never really took time to figure out what I wanted. It just so happens that I love to learn; I also love to work. I didn’t know that I felt this way; I worked because they told me I had to. I thought I hated it because I hate being told what to do. I really hated being broke though and that’s why I did what they told me.

Ugh, I’m rambling again! 

Point is, learning and working are things I enjoy so I think I’m going to look into some online computer classes. That is something I could do, disability be damned. I refuse to let this stroke get in the way of my happiness.

Every great accomplishment starts with the decision to try

Besides, it might be nice to have a reason to keep track of what day it is again! (It doesn’t always relay well through typed words but that was intended as a joke

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